Dear Izzy #1: The Annoying Brother

By: Izzy Rosa

(For legal reasons, please do not follow these instructions if you have strict parents and/or a snitch for a brother, or any other reason that could result in serious punishment for you.)

Dear Izzy, 

I’ve got a bit of a problem. My younger brother is being really annoying to me every day and just doing everything he can to make my life a turd pit. What should I do? 

From,
Your biggest fan 

Hello reader, I’m Izzy, the beloved advice giver. This problem is very relatable and I have the perfect solution. 

Imagine, it’s dinner time on a cold Wednesday night, you’re walking to the table. Grab your food and offer to get some for your brother. You walk into the kitchen and grab your pre-placed and disguised sleep meds. You sprinkle the powdered sleep meds onto his food and bring it to the table very UNSUSPICIOUSLY. 

You all enjoy dinner and afterwards your brother states that he feels tired and is going to bed early. 

You wait until about 12:00 when all your family is asleep and you creep to the kitchen slowly. You slowly open the creaky cabinet door and glance over your shoulder for any people. You grab the Nutella and shut the cabinet door. You creep out of the kitchen and to your brother’s room, avoiding all the creaky floorboards you marked earlier. You manage to get into your brother’s room and he is fast asleep, just as planned. You sneak to his underwear drawer and open it, lifting the drawer slightly so it doesn’t squeak on its rails.

You take out a pair of his underwear with two fingers, though you know they are clean, it’s still gross, And you take the Nutella jar and unscrew the lid. Then take the plastic knife out of your pocket and scoop the Nutella. You smear it in his underwear, imagining his reaction when he discovers it. You repeat the process on all his underwear and chuckle under your breath. You’ve done it. It’s the perfect payback. 

Now imagine, in the morning, waking up, and seeing that face. The expression on your brother’s face… And it was all worth it.

Sounds great? Well this could be you if you follow this advice. Thanks for reading! Submit your problems in the comments or at rosais2028@u4sd.org. If you want a silly article dedicated to you, submit a problem and I will choose 1 to 3 every month!

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